Monday, July 25, 2011

The beginning of the end

Today I am sad.  The time has come when we have had to have infant formula added to our grocery list.  Lil' man and me have made it eight months, one week and six days with breastfeeding and my supply has dropped to the point where we are needing to supplement. 

If you would have asked me nine months ago how this would make me feel, I don't think I would have thought anything of it.  But now?  After eight and a half months of bonding and putting in the effort to  make breastfeeding work, I'm crushed. 

I understand this does not make me a bad mother.  I understand I should be happy to have made it this far.  I understand that William and I will continue to bond in other ways and I will continue to try to nurse and pump as much as I am able to get him some of my milk.  Even knowing this, why is it still breaking my heart? 

Breastfeeding has been one of the most wonderful experiences I have ever had in my life.  It has evolved as William has grown and starting to wean him will be just one of the other million signs that he is growing up.  I will miss the time we have gotten to spend together during the day and at all hours of the night.  (yes, even then)


Tenacious V said...

Stephanie, I am so sorry for you--I know you've worked hard, and I have mad respect for you pumping mamas. I know it must be bittersweet when you feel as though your body can't fully meet all those needs for your little man, especially when breastfeeding has been such an important part of your relationship. Do you have a breastfeeding support system (i.e. a lactation consultant, a La Leche League leader, a group of breastfeeding friends) where you can talk it out? I have a FB support group of breastfeeding mamas if you need someone to talk to--Jaclyn can hook you up with my info.

Hugs, mama. You've done an amazing job. And you'll keep doing an amazing job, even with supplements.

JayZ said...

I know you must be sad but you did so great making it this far! I know how hard it is to pump while working full time and always stressing that you won't have enough milk. There were many times that I thought I wouldn't make it and I'm so thankful I was able to eek it out and make it a year but it's not easy and you did everything you could to make it work. William will still be a happy, healthy baby even if you need to supplement. And if it comforts you at all, I've noticed since I've stopped pumping during the day and only nursing Jos at morning and night my supply has been great. I was worried my supply would drop only doing those 2 feedings but the way it's going, I think I'll be able to do it until Jos self weans.


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